


Trust My Rage

by Imagined



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War, Gen, Infinity War spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-27 20:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14433561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imagined/pseuds/Imagined
Summary: Thor has mourned for Loki many times before, but now that his brother isn't coming back - it's rage in his heart, and only a desire for revenge is left.





	Trust My Rage

Thor didn’t think he could still lose Loki. 

Loki is his brother, and it has been a rough few years, but Thor realizes that now. Loki does his own thing, but he’ll always come back home. Come back to Thor. Maybe he should’ve realized that earlier, but on the other hand – maybe he and Loki always had their own paths to go.

He’s 1500 years old. Loki was practically the same age, only barely his younger brother. A relic brought from a bloody war, maybe, but nonetheless Thor’s brother, his family, the only one he still had. For 1500 years, he’s known Loki, he’s fought with him, shared jokes with him, taken classes with him. 

He thought he lost Loki when he fell, when Loki _let go_ , and he remembers mourning. He remembers the gentle sadness that flowed through him with every breath, the murmurs of his parents and Asgard. He’s the one who was affected most by that loss; Frigga was much better at composing herself than Thor has ever been. But at least he could mourn with her, back then, and look at his father and wonder if there’s anything they could have done better.

He thought he lost Loki when he found him on Earth, leading an invasion. He’d lost him, Thor thought, when he kept asking him to give up the madness and return with Thor to Asgard. Even when he knew Loki was alive, he thought he couldn’t hurt any more, seeing his brother like that, bound and chained like a dangerous animal. Thor lost his trust in Loki, and that felt an awful lot like losing Loki. He knows it wasn’t really the same – Loki has been lost to him since that failed crowning. He hasn’t known his brother in years, but those final days together, fighting an evil sister. The irony doesn’t escape him, even if he remembers how glad he was to see Loki, fighting beside him once again. 

When he lost his mother, Thor felt the same sadness when Loki fell – breezing through the air, blowing softly to him, silent tears and held-in chokes. A dignified kind of mourning, now he reflects on it. Not even a day after that, Loki died, again. A trick, a manipulation, because maybe Loki could not trust Thor as much as Thor could not trust Loki. He’s always known that Loki likes to save his own skin. Finding out he was still alive – well, Thor was angry, back then. 

Loki has always played a cat and mouse game. That time, he’d taken it too far. 

Somehow, that hadn’t been the ending of it all. Thor, somehow, in some way, he’d known that Loki would come back to save Asgard. There’s nothing else that Loki could have done, because there’s still some of that little brother in him, some of that boy that Thor used to play with and tell secrets to. That boy, that loved Asgard and his family whole-heartedly.

It’s that boy who returned his brother to Thor, and that boy that gave him the hope of a happy ending. Asgard was saved, or at least its people, and Thor had a brother again. It’s that boy, mischievous grin and curly dark hair, that stood by Thor’s side as their ship was ruthlessly attacked and his people slain before both of their eyes.

It’s the same boy that Thor saw, wide-eyed when facing an enemy that Thor wasn’t even aware of.

It’s the same boy that Thor thinks of when he pictures Loki, dead on the ground. 

And yet, this time, the time that Thor knows that Loki really never is going to come back, that this is the time that the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been –

Thor mourns in a way unlike what he’s ever experienced. He now knows what Loki meant, back on Svartalfheim, with his eyes darker than Thor had ever seen, mingled with pain, grief and anger. _Trust my rage_ , Loki had said, because Loki had loved Frigga more dearly than any of them.

Thor hopes that Loki loved him enough that his brother might now trust Thor’s own rage, because it fills him up, in every way he didn’t even know was possible, it channels his energy, it is the only way he can still get up and do what needs to be done. 

Loki was the only one he still had. His father is dead, his mother is dead, his people are dead. He was there, on that ship, watching Loki affirm for the last time that he was his brother. He watched Loki save him on expense of the whole universe.

Those are not the actions of a man who did not love Thor back, and he can’t bear the thought of it. He can’t bear the thought of his brother trying to stop the threat for once and all, and paying for it with his life.

He can’t bear the thought of Loki’s body, mangled and broken, his face pale. It’s gone now, and Thor didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. He’s not sure he could have.

He can’t bear the thought of Loki’s death, and yet it is all that drives him forward. He does what needs to be done, and if the loneliness eats him up – well, he won’t tell that talking rabbit more than he already has. Thor’s grief is his alone, because no one else will grieve for Loki. Because Thor is all Loki had, too – and now he’s alone.

He is going to kill Thanos, for this. And even if he can’t, he will die trying, and it won’t matter to him.

He stands there, on the battlefield, feeling the thunder roll through him, as agitated and angry as he is. Thor does not think he will ever feel the same, does not think he will ever stop feeling this guilt and anger eating him up inside, the thought of Loki haunting him. It doesn’t matter if he dies, because if he fails, there’s nothing to live for anyway. Thor doesn’t have anyone but a handful of Midgardian comrades, and if that’s who he has to protect, he will.

He won’t admit to them that he’s not doing it to protect the galaxy, for the first time. He won’t tell anyone that the only reason he is here is to be an Avenger, maybe for the last time – avenging Loki.

He closes his eyes, and closes his fist over his new weapon’s handle. 

‘’Trust my rage,’’ he says, softly, as he heat of battle is around him.

In his mind, he sees Loki smile, and he attacks.

**Author's Note:**

> this movie has destroyed my life.
> 
> feel free to cry over it with me on tumblr. you can find me as [tonystarrks](https://tonystarrks.tumblr.com/).


End file.
